I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
