At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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