Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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