remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
