I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
