Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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