Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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