I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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