I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
