Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
