pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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