Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Randomize
