i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
