I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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