I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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