Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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