Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
