Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
