i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
