After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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