Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
