You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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