dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
