he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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