I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize