There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
