So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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