i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
