I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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