what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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