The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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