Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
