already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
