I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
