My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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