for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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