there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
