The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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