you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
