wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
