did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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