Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
