my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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