Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
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