Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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