I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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