If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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