Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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