i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
