you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
