Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
