I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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