Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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