apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
